When I posted Raising Money & Dealing with Fears & Anxieties I didn’t know if anyone would donate to my cause let alone read the blog. I have learned over time not to expect anything from anyone, that way I am never disappointed. (It isn’t meant to be a bad thing…something like “Don’t count your chickens before they hatch”)
I never expected to feel the way I did when people started to donate. I had to fight back tears each time someone sponsored me.
“The only way that we can live, is if we grow. The only way that we can grow is if we change. The only way that we can change is if we learn. The only way we can learn is if we are exposed. And the only way that we can become exposed is if we throw ourselves out into the open. Do it. Throw yourself.”
― C. JoyBell C.
I have never liked asking for help, any kind, whether it be fundraising, or needing someone to drive one of my children to a function or bringing food for a potluck. I always felt like I was putting someone in a bad spot or inconveniencing them. The other part for me was that I hated feeling out of control. If I asked someone to help, I had to trust them AND be happy with the outcome! (and not complain after)
Life threw me some really tough curve balls before I realized that I needed help. Even though I didn’t realize it at first, Ema was exactly what I needed – she was(is) a blessing. She made me realize I needed help mentally, physically & spiritually, but also that I could rise from it all and become a much stronger and wiser person.
Lionel and I are very private people. Anyone who has ever asked Lionel a personal question knows, he doesn’t give up much information but he is a really great listener (He NEVER repeats anything!). We don’t care what the neighbours are doing on the week-end, or what car they drive, or where they live or how much they say they have or how they got it…or whether they deserve it!!! Don’t ask me what is in someone’s house or what colour of dress they were wearing, because I will not know…It is none of our business, just like no one needs to know what we are doing either, unless we choose to share. It is also none of my business to know what others think of me.
I believe there is a very fine line on how much information I really need to tell the world about myself. I do believe if your story can help just one person, it IS worth sharing though. I wrote this post weeks ago before the Moncton shooting, and I think there is no better time then the present to start making “Mental Health” a subject that is socially acceptable to speak about.
People are so afraid of how others perceive them, that no one wants to admit they have anything wrong in their lives. It is a vicious circle that will continue until people start to speak up and become OK with who they are and realize that we all struggle and that EVERYONE has a story. I have never met anyone that doesn’t, contrary to what we are usually told.
I know some will think I am wrong for sharing my story, and that is OK, but I THINK society needs to be more open and transparent with issues that effect our health and well-being. The stigma that follows “Mental Health” needs to be removed. “Mental Health” means so much more than someone being “crazy”, it can be due to so many other issues in your life. I don’t believe we need to use it as an excuse in our lives, but we do need to step up and learn how to deal and treat it. No one says anything if you break your leg? They might even ask if you need help, but not if you say you are having emotional or mental issues – everyone runs the other way. What is the difference between needing your leg fixed or needing help with your brain? It would be really nice if life was always easy and perfect…but it isn’t…
“And once the storm is over, you won’t remember how you made it through, how you managed to survive. You won’t even be sure, whether the storm is really over. But one thing is certain. When you come out of the storm, you won’t be the same person who walked in. That’s what this storm’s all about.”
― Haruki Murakami
I know it is difficult for many people to understand why I would have stress. I don’t work outside the home and Ema is in daycare for 4 days a week, leaving me to do whatever I want-right? Many people have told me that it must be nice. The mental stress and fatigue living with a special needs child is something that I can not explain. It is like nothing I have ever experienced. (The gains and rewards that also come with having a special needs child are incredible too) It took me to almost hit rock bottom before I realized how horrible I was actually functioning and that my brain was really being effected from lack of sleep. Asking for “help” and taking proper care of myself was never a priority. Being self-sufficient and helping others always came first; helping is something I loved doing.
This is one of those life lessons where you wish that you had listened to your “elders”. This was the point in my life where I finally realized that I wasn’t responsible for always reinventing the wheel. Some things actually work for a reason-without my input or help. Life would go on if I said I was too busy to help someone and it was OK to be part of two or three groups…and not every thing my children were involved in. I wasn’t a terrible mother for not helping at an event or two. I should have also “clicked in” years ago when I had an elderly Hutterite women tell me that five children was too many for someone off the colony. I found that amusing as they all have five or more children. She explained that they have help, they do it together and I was on my own.
I had to learn that I needed to help myself before I could help anyone else. I could do both but I needed to find a balance.
Looking back, my struggle started long before Ema. I wasn’t sleeping and really hadn’t been for a long time, likely since Mackenzie was young. I know most parents struggle with sleep, but I can’t remember it ever being quite as bad as with Ema, or lasting for such long periods of time. When Colby was born, he had a stretch of 6 months when he cried endlessly. He was a preemie and life started out a bit rough for him, but the crying did finally end. (not the whining!!!) Although, Lionel and I remember the screaming like it was yesterday, it wasn’t the same stress.
Ema’s needs are ongoing and will be for life. It is much easier to get a break and find someone who will care for a child that is “normal” even if they are fussy but try finding someone who can help with a special needs child, who could have seizures and that you can trust? Even if Ema sleeps for a few days, your body takes a few days to readjust, you are so scared she is going to wake up, you end up not sleeping anyway. By the time you can relax enough to sleep again, she is back to staying up.
Finances added to my stress, we didn’t just have to worry about the two of us retiring, but now we had to save enough for Ema’s care too and we are not exactly “spring chickens”. Ema will never be able to live on her own. It is very difficult to have both parents work and keep up with the endless appointment, not too many employers would understand the need to always be away.(Lionel’s employer, Enns Brothers is exceptional!)
I questioned my faith. Why was this happening to us? to Ema? What did we do wrong? Why would God do this to a little girl? You start to question everything in your life and it mentally wears you down too.
I was mixing everything up, confusing dates and times and pretty much everything I touched. All I felt like doing was staying at home and sleeping. My anxiety with crowds just got worse. I just wanted one day to do nothing, but there was always work to be done and children to be taken care of. People depended on me. I couldn’t say “no” to anyone. I hadn’t made that connection yet, that the world could survive without my help…for at least one day!
Everything was spinning out of control. The more tired I got, the worse everything else got. Making sure I had control was something I could barely deal with on a normal day, but being tired, scared and worried, just made it so much worse. I thought “it” just had to just be “ME”. I just needed to suck it up and keep going. I was sure that it was ALL in my head, lots of people used to have 5 children and they functioned just fine. I wasn’t going to be “WEAK”. The harder I tried to keep up, the worse I got. I DIDN”T NEED HELP-NOT ME – there was no way I was giving in.
I thought, I looked like I was functioning fine to the outside world? I thought, no one noticed what was happening. It was around the same time that we saw genetics that I knew I had to get help. I realize now, lots of people saw what was happening to me, but it just took that one person (stranger) other than Lionel, who was willing to be straight with me and say it to my face, for me to finally see it.
By this point, I was not just mixing things up but I couldn’t remember anything. I would go to the neighbours, 80ft away and have them ask me do get something and by the time I walked back home, I couldn’t even remember that they had even asked me to do anything at all. I know people thought I was just stalling sometimes, but I really couldn’t remember. The only good part about being so stressed out and tired was that all my OCD characteristics were gone. I was too tired to care if the bathroom towels were all folded the correct way, or in the correct direction and or in the correct colour coded order in the closet, I was just happy if I had a clean one somewhere to use after I showered.
Everyone else looked like they were managing fine, why couldn’t I? No one said they had struggles? I have since learned, there are many people who suffer, but in silence.
It took me a bit to finally start saying “NO” and step away from projects I loved. I started to ask for help with the other children. I made a doctor’s appointment and actually followed through with going. My anxieties had taken over and I could barely function by the time I saw my family doctor. The doctor knew right away that I was at my breaking point. She immediately got me into a psychologist/therapist.
The psychologist/therapist has helped me to see that not everyone thinks like me? (Can you imagine???) Your brain is actually supposed to rest? Who knew? I thought everyone continually worried just like I did. I interrupted conversations because I was already thinking about the next subject, I wasn’t meaning to be rude. I spoke fast (still do) and was all over in my thoughts…but it never clicked that it shouldn’t be like that? Life shouldn’t be that stressful. I should actually be able to relax, enjoy life and laugh. It was OK to do nothing some days.
I am not sure why I waited so long to get help. Society shows “perfection” everywhere and I guess I thought if I needed any kind of help, that I had failed, not only myself, but Lionel and the kids…I didn’t want anyone to know I couldn’t do it alone. I felt like by blaming my “mental health” it was an excuse and that it meant I was giving in. I didn’t want to feel like I had lost control. I didn’t want to be that person.
I had actually forgotten what it felt like to sleep, to remember, to function and to LAUGH. It was an an amazing feeling to remember where I put the car keys again or how I actually managed to get somewhere.
Taking care yourself is so important. It is difficult for most of us to “make” the time because we really don’t know how important it is. We shouldn’t feel ashamed if we are struggling with something mentally or emotionally. I still have a LONG way to go, but have definitely realized I can’t function without sleep and neither can my brain. Taking care of your brain is just as important as taking care of you body. The saying is true
“While loving and taking care of others don’t forget to love and take care of yourself too.”
I would never have admitted that I was tired and exhausted and needed help…before Ema came along, before we were welcomed into Rettland. I certainly would never have been able to experience the feeling of real gratitude without associating it with guilt.
“Stress is nothing more than a socially acceptable form of mental illness.” ~ Richard Carlson
It doesn’t matter whether your stress comes from a special needs child, lack of sleep, your job or money issues, when people can’t function properly they break down and by that point it is usually too late, something tragic has happened. It costs (not just monetary) our society so much more than if we could have just helped them earlier. Not everyone is as fortunate as I was. I was given a SILENT ANGEL to help me. We need to get rid of the stigma associated with Mental Health and make it OK to ask for help. I was given help and would like to pass that help along… and that is why I am telling you my story.
EYES on EMA 